Part of this journey, I used to and still to enjoy people’s reactions when I tell them I have CANCER.
At the beginning I tried to keep it low and only who should know, should know (from family members, to friends to colleagues, and superiors), maybe I was ashamed myself from it, or it is (thakafet el 3eeb) which we have it part of our culture regarding cancer, or it’s simply a personal thing nobody has anything to do with it.
As a year was passing, I was convinced and accepting this fact that I started to be in peace and more open about it. I even sometimes had no options except telling some people because I needed their help (people are amazing you will know that and I will give the summary soon).
I still remember a few looks on some faces or voices that make me laugh.. Because I sensed their worry - when I was not worrying - and had to absorb their fear (sometimes) with the least damages (for my moral of course, which always relayed on people reactions, support, and help. Actually I may consider it as moral insurance where cancer patient needs it along with the health insurance however it is not a must, every person has his/her personality.).
So the joy :), once upon a time I received a call with a very hesitated voice let’s call it - a messenger- between me and the health insurance whom was trying and trying and trying to deliver a message for me that I used the insurance for a scan that costs 1,100 JD – YEH I know cancer is pocket consumer- and the insurance only covers it for .. a.a.a. c.a.n.c.e.r. at that moment I was at KHCC and I replied honey I’m already there will make sure to provide you with the needed paper. s/he replied: Ola…… mesh 3arf(eh)… ,I told her/him it’s alright I know don’t worry I’m fine :). I think that was the conversation and I think you are reading it now and I hope I made you smile the least I can do for you because you have been a big support to me.
That was a regular person, a disaster when you sense the sadness from a doctor that vanish your dreams in seconds:
I was sipping coffee besides reading – something I rarely do LOL – when this guy jumps out of the sudden and says: NOW, I remembered from where I know you, I spent like – I don’t know how much – trying to remember, Wasn’t you in JUH hospital the other day having a dermatology appointment? – That is in short, actually he gave me an introduction where other places he met me accidently and I didn’t even notice – I replied yes :). OHHH I’m reliefd I can take you out of my head now –something like that, and NO, he is not an admire don’t misunderstand it-. Well, he seemed nice and not “Mutatafel” I asked him to join for a break so he can go back to his medical study with clear of mind, we chit chat a bit and part of it was: You know, Dr.Folaan I didn’t like him.. he didn’t convince me with the consultation I needed I said, well: I don’t know what is the case so I can’t judge, he said. Actually, I have “tsunami” and I asked his opinion to do one and that – I don’t want to put attention to my cancer name as I need you to enjoy the experience with me so let’s call it that -. Actually his reaction like he really was hit by tsunami wave train at that moment, OH my god how devastated he was, I had to lift his moral up so he doesn’t hurt mine. I said: No Please please please it’s alright I’m fine my checkups are fine it’s been a year now. – yel3an yel3an yel3an -.
Anyway, we saluted and asked me if I need any help he is willing to do – that is really kind of him, yet I should worry about my moral now-.
As part of me wants to share this experience, I beg you never give cancer patient the sad look, or what is worse sympathy, just be human use your humanity because YES we need it, it helps a lot.. Part of my immune system relies on it.
Or even mentioning that you know someone has died by cancer – let it die with something else “Allah Yer7amo” – but not by cancer, hope is what is left for us.
As for Ola "with cancer" I still fail to handle two things (sympathy and rejection – will talk about it later - ).
Believe it or not, my first collapse was at the same exact night.
I won't call it sympathy but instead empathy. It's an out of control feeling with "normal" humans. I understand you don't need this because this might make you feel weak and needy but it's normal. Our main problem, Jordanians or Arabs in general, that we think that there is no in between, it's like you have to seem 100% happy strong and perfect or the other way around, 100% sad weak and devastated. We still cannot understand that everyone has their damn problems and worries, although we look happy and in perfect shapes. I really can relate to this, not a single instance I felt that the other party is sensing or seeing what I see and feel. Maybe I am alien to this world and this society but everyday I witness similar scenarios with other people who have the same problem.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to forget and move on varies from one human to another. The gift some have that enables them not to stick to some bad experience or obstacle in their lives is really underrated. I guess this is what differentiates strong people from those who are weak and fragile. Again, it is so sad that we are closed emotional containers that we cannot see through each other and in the same time we have to deal with each other. There is no other option except to stay at home not seeing or interacting with anyone, and again people will not leave you alone and will judge you remotely! If we were able to comprehend others' state of emotion and deal with them accordingly we will be much more understanding and supporting society, which sadly we are not. I am not trying to hijack or divert you blog Ola to talk about things that you may not feel relevant to your story but I felt an urgent need to interject hoping that you and the readers would appreciate.
sympathy comes the first time you take such news about a person you care about and consider a close friend its natural and incontrollable, but I personally believe its up to you to convert that into positive energy from others the way you handle it, which you indeed already mastered :) i remember the first time I knew you have cancer I was in denial but after a second thought realizing how you are dealing with it and living ur life being positive and seeing the bright side of it made me say you know what its ok it happens and she can do it she's gonna be ok. so keep it up as u always do :)
ReplyDeleteAt first i used to get annoyed when ppl give u that look, or say YA 7ARAM, or whisper with someone else while watching me ...
ReplyDeleteBut now I'm really enjoying ... and I wait to see thier reaction, or the look.
When I'm in th mood I can convience that everything is OK. But sometimes I just keep them with thier thoughts